#i’m so grossed out by myself
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do you ever just remember something really shitty you did when you were younger and dumber and it makes you feel sick??
#god ughhh#i’m so grossed out by myself#even though i learned from it#but god#i was a real piece of shit
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your ick post made my stomach hurt please they're too real 😭😭😭😭 the daisuke part is just like my bf it's making me sick omfg
PLEASE ITS TOO REALISTIC…i tried to hard to make them all just as gross as real people are.
It’s oddly kinda endearing I won’t lie. A little. But. Also I hate them all.
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damnnn I hate it when tumblr doesn’t show me posts from my mutuals and I have to scour through their blogs to see what I missed. How barbaric. Especially hate it when I can tell my own posts aren’t being shown. Listen when I post I want EVERYONE to see it. Like look at this
It’s zasp as a larva 🥰🥰🥰ignore the fact that he is Actively Being Eaten
#poor zasp larva. can’t believe (my sibling’s oc) would do this 😔#wasp larvae are soooo cute can I go on a side tangent rq#absolute BLOBS. GROSS. I LOVE THEM#YES I would probably recoil in disgust if I touched one but that’s why they’re so cute#no legs no nothin these boys are just TUBES#they’re so hardcore. they eat meat!! they devour other bugs meanwhile the allegedly cruel wasps just slurp up sweet stuff#that’s adorable!!! my little freaks!!!#you go girl. eat them meat.#wasp haters get no respect from me#wasp fear-ers are a different story bc I too am scared of wasps#but there’s a difference between fear and wanting to eradicate these precious little things#they’re so cute…..sick of people pretending they’re not……#have you seen them??? some of them are built like q-tips#thread waisted wasps are WILD. they’re awesome and go hard change my mind#I had a dream last night where I got to take photos of wasps….sighs dreamily……..#I also got to take photos of olimar who was apparently real so that was awesome too I guess#when the wasps return I’m gonna throw myself in the middle of the battlefield and snap pictures of those fellas#I just have to wait for it to be. not consistently 20 degrees out#which could take a while. ALSO MOTHS I LOVE MOTHS. want to take pics of them too but they’ll be harder#not only do I Never see moths (heartbreaking) but I also. am not allowed outside at night. also heartbreaking#I would do anything to see a giant silk moth irl
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I love kicking rocks
cover me in filth
I love sharp edges
slice me open and let me bleed
watch as I squirm
as I wince and cry
beat me with bats and chains
and bruise every inch
tear my heart out
spit at my feet
spare me a glance
wipe my tears
leave me to rot
and like a clueless little dog I’ll sit and beg at your feet
waiting for you to love me
while I love you unconditionally
#beginner poet#original poem#poem#poetry#poems and poetry#poems on tumblr#poets on tumblr#writers and poets#writing#spilled ink#bad relationships#I feel iffy about this one but everything I write has been stuck in draft purgatory so I’m letting this one free#i don’t know how to write poetry but I’m forcing myself to put things out there#sorry if this is gross but I like it
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I spaced out for like an hour and wrote/edited a whole ton (on a wip maybe three people care about lol) I’m so happy
#rambles from the floor#I always forget how easier writing is after I finally drag myself out of a gross feelings pit#like I’ve written more in the past few days then I have in weeks#it’s weird#but it’s also nice so I’m not complaining
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Alright I’ve thought about it a bit, let’s rant about just how horrifying the curse Simon was afflicted with would be! Consider this like a part one of sorts for Simon’s Quest analysis stuff cause I could talk about this one game for hours on end—
I’m gonna put a cut here because warning ⚠️ descriptions of decay, gorey stuff, disease, and some pretty bad mental effects. Stay safe guys, don’t read further if you can’t handle those topics!
I’ve seen multiple different descriptions of it from different media and manuals, but, just from this little line alone, this is already a pretty awful fate for the guy. High emphasis on the word decay. That in itself can imply a lot of different things, sometimes all at once. And keep in mind too, he’s had this over the course of 7 years. Simon is probably already an absolute wreck from this wayyyyy before the game even starts.
First of all, getting hit on the back is a bad spot for any kind of infection or spreading disease (closest irl counterpart). That’s awfully close to a lot of vital things you don’t want something spreading to including the spine, lungs, heart, etc etc. Especially for deeper cuts because we’re talking Dracula level injury here, not like a paper cut or something. Hell, too deep of a hit on the back might cause some nerve damage, not to the extent of paralysis in his case, but general chronic pain from a wound that won’t heal properly is uhhh… not great. :( I’ve also seen some media say that the curse causes wounds to not heal, bleeding, the American manual even mentions it effecting the soul, awful stuff. I generally like to think “Bloody Tears” is referring to Simon tbh.
Another thing, with afflictions that cause decay generally the smaller appendages start getting hit hard with it first. It’s the same way for a lot of other conditions; fingers, toes, earlobes, anything protruding like that because the body considers them lowest priority in a survival situation like that and it wouldn’t kill you to lose them. Necrosis especially has things start turning ruddy colors, blacken, and start forming holes in the layers of skin (@ @ ;). Obviously this alone is excruciating. Poor dude has to walk for days on end like that…
And slowly deteriorating could also imply some form of wasting. Fats usually go first, then muscle, which is also very not good when you’ve gotta beat the clock to survive. Scary thing is that the brain is like 60% fats and not immune to any of this whoops—
Something I don’t really see anyone consider very often when talking about the curse (not that I’ve seen many people talk about this 💀) is how absolutely mentally fucked up Simon would be from it. Just the terror of knowing you’re slowly rotting to death would be enough to drive most people into some kind of despair or panic, but seeing and feeling all the gruesome details of it is even worse. Being in constant pain and stress isn’t good for anyone, especially someone who is already weakened from illness. But the sheer mental deterioration this guy would be having from the decay itself oh my god (0_o ). Looking up widespread brain shrinkage like that and uh some of the early signs are already stuff like seizures and extreme headaches. Add the fact that he doesn’t really sleep much for upwards of 7 days and it’d be an absolute miracle if this guy wasn’t hallucinating and/or completely hysterical by this point among other things. I mean, no wonder so much of this game is running around lost and confused, not only are people lying to his face, Simon is probably just barely keeping his shit together the whole time.
So just imagine for a second all of these things combined. No wonder people were terrified of him, he probably genuinely looked like a corpse. Eeeee yikes yikes ouch, poor guy :’’’’’(.
Anyway, Konami where is my horror focused Simon’s Quest remake you cowards—
#castlevania#castlevania games#text post#simon belmont#simon’s quest#analysis post#theory posting#incoherent rambling#somebody give this 1600s vampire hunter man a hug#not too hard tho that might hurt oof#:’’’’’’(#sometimes I think about this a little too hard and then gross myself out#the other times I just end up drawing about it#seriously though where is my Simon’s Quest remake god damnit#I’m a little terrified that Konami might do it wrong tho tbh so uh#now I’m thinking about that line again and I just#‘Simon was looking back at his life’#ashfkdjshsjdjdjshshhdjshahd sad things#I will now imagine sad things before falling asleep tonight lol#I am so normal about this game
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every woman on earth is the most beautiful show stopping incredible gorgeous person alive and 90% of men make me go ewwwwww…what is that..
#i don’t even mean this in a misandrist way#tho i do <3 misandry#just genuinely. any woman could make me blush simply by existing#yet my taste in men is so highly specific and niche and anyone outside of it is like..ew. to me.#idk. i like a pretty boy. a lot.#all other men im either entirely neutral like they make me feel nothing or sometimes i am actually a little grossed out#i feel weird being bi sometimes i like the label for myself a lot it feels comfy for me#but it’s like ah yes. bisexual. i am attracted to Every Woman and maybe like idk 10 men on earth?#which i know still is a valid form of bisexuality !#but still..i like being bi and calling myself bi and being able to use the label#but sometimes i’m like��what if i’m. not.#i do like men just only some. but i do still like them. so like. i don’t think im a lesbian#and i like the idea of being with a woman just as much as i like the idea of being with a man (that suits my tastes)#for me it’s generally fluid like sometimes im leaning more towards wanting a girlfriend sometimes i want a boyfriend#but at the end of the day i would be happy with either#also not trying to exclude anyone outside strictly male or female obvs#well i hope it’s obvs. i would of course be interested in someone who’s not a girl or boy or anything at all#it’s just easier for me to word it like that. while i sort out my thoughts#basically. i think im having a crisis#snow.txt
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grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA
#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this#everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad#because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably#i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed#looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this#i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it#but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now#and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too#if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want#but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross#i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance#every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty#there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this#i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at#and i want to like hide forever but i can’t#it’s so hard to function like this#i hate everything about me so much#someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die
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god you guys make all the bullshit worth it <3 love u
#i’m in such a different place than i was this time last year#don’t get me wrong i am TERRIFIED for next year and the next four years#that fear and helplessness hasn’t gone away whatsoever#but specifically about the sao fandom and my little life i’ve managed to carve for myself online… it’s much better#and it sucks i’ve had to cut so much out for it to be manageable! but! i’m alive!#(unrelated tags >) today i took a pregnancy test and oh boy that never gets less gross feeling when you have ocd germphobia#literally set the timer on my phone and then boiled my hand under hot water and soap and hand sanitizer 😭#and now i’m sitting curled up with some ice cream and my cat and i’m reading#reading foreign faction btw. i’ve got so many opinions and questions and it’s so heartbreaking that we’ll never know the truth#anyway. send some asks if you would like to ive missed you guys#and i’m sorry ive been so absent lately#WAIT DISCLAIMER I AM NOT PREGNANT AGAIN NOR ARE WE CURRENTLY TRYING i just had a test 😭
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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Go to store
See snack food I want
Buy snack food
Tell myself I will eat it in moderation
Go home
Eat the entire thing in one sitting
Be upset that I failed to eat in moderation
Go to store
See snack food I want
Remember failure to eat in moderation
Do not buy snack food
Go home
Crave snack food
Be upset that I don’t have snack food
Go to store
See snack food I want
Remember craving for snack food
Buy snack food
Tell myself I will eat it in moderation
Go home
Eat the entire thing in one sitting
#the key to good health is all things in moderation#unfortunately I am terrible at moderation#I either have a binge eating disorder or something very similar to it#I physically can’t stop myself when faced with a food I like#sometimes even after the stomach ache sets in#there have been times when the only reason I stopped was a genuine fear of rupturing my stomach#at those times: the second the pain died down I’d start eating again then be surprised when the stomach ache came back#I haven’t gotten to that point in a while now#but I’m still struggling with this vicious cycle of unstoppable cravings#it’s a miracle if I eat a meat or a vegetable on any given day#I pretty much exclusively eat bread and crackers#my only protein is the chocolate protein shake I have each morning#and I mainly drink vitamin water in hopes of making up for vitamins that I’m certain I lack#I don’t want to be like this anymore but I can’t help myself#the mere thought of having to cook is painful#microwaveable meals fucking suck#and I can’t get delivery way out where I live#and almost everything my family cooks is gross to me#so I’m fucked
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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how bad is it that i’m considering telling my friend not to come over because an entire bottle of hand soap spilled on my clean clothes and my carpet and i’m trying very hard not to cry about it
#🍄.txt#it wasn’t that many clothes ok fine they can be washed today#but it’s not coming out of my carpet no matter what i do#laughs i already know my mom’s husband is going to make me cry about this when they get back#i’m hungry i haven’t showered i feel gross i was supposed to finish putting my clothes away this morning#am i autistic or is killing myself a reasonable option#i was gonna use the bathroom and go back to sleep for a bit when i noticed the empty bottle i am seriously at my limit#this is so fucking stupid
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I shouldn’t have to actively fight to not get addicted to things! Like why are things that are addictive so easily accessible to me!
#there’s so much stigma against people with addictions#when I feel like it’s rare to be an adult and not be addicted to something!#my younger sibling is 20 and the other day they said ‘do people in their 20s just suddenly become alcoholics like all they do is drink’#and I had be like ‘no that literally happens and it sucks!’#and it’s by design! it’s so profitable to get people addicted to your products#and it makes people a lot less likely to rebel against the system if they have something to numb the pain and anger#that comes along with being oppressed and overworked#my psychiatrist gave me a Xanax prescription and I’m being so careful with how often I take them because I know they’re easily addictive#and I’ve always been really careful with alcohol just because I don’t like feeling hungover and gross or super drunk#and I was thinking to myself today like ‘this isn’t normal!’#I’m stressing myself out to not get addicted to something that is supposed to help me but I wouldn’t need the Xanax if I lived in a society#that pushed us past our limits to the point of developing trauma and mental health issues!#and then they blame us for our trauma responses and normal reactions to an unhealthy society#sell us drugs to treat the side affects and then stigmatize drug users so they can incarcerate them#and justify their dehumanization#I hate it here!!#personal
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🩸
#today I had another like three hour iv#so last night at like nine I went into my bathroom and cut off like a foot and a half of hair#and increased the undercut by about an inch#went from longest to shortest cut in a half hour#and it’s the worst haircut I’ve ever given myself#i’m so proud of it#it’s going to live in a tiny little fluff of ponytail on the back of my head all summer#so today became not about gross iv drips that make our bodies feel pretty gross in hopes they’ll feel better later#today is about tiny poofy ponytails#after years of heavy braids#☺️#nonsims#bc idk I’m gonna just chat to you sometimes now#and post some cc this weekend if I can sort it out tomorrow#or sleep for 36 hours maybe lol
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I think im gonna save up to get a little porch added to my tiny ass mini-house
With those screen meshes because I really don’t want to keep getting harassed by bugs each time I try to sit outside at night, especially now that we’re getting those fat brown water bugs.
#said bugs kept buzzing around where I sit on my steps to smoke#gives me the heebie jeebies because they’re gross#so I’m sitting on the back of my dad’s truck looking at my house to avoid bugs#and I’ve always liked porches and I like hanging outside when it’s not hot and humid af#definitely an awning or whatever the fuck it’s called/spelled#to shield me from the horrific blazing texan sun#speaking of—#it was super hot as usual so I decided to rock the tank tops in public again#and I’m disgustingly pale I grossed myself out#i can get my vitamin d/outdoor time on my cute porch#I look like a corpse and not in a sexy way#get my tan going#I’m high so I’m extra stupid
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